SHAME

Disgust, shock, despair, repulsion, horror, shame, hate, distress, disgust, loathing, misery, anger, sorrow, hate, disgust, hopelessness, hate, disgust, anger, disgust, disgust, disgust.

I was doing so well leading up to my Big 55-mile Bike Ride in May (2011). I trained faithfully and diligently, and when the day came, I did great! I had a great time, I didn’t have to stop and walk at all, and I was even able to ride up the Big Bad Hill that a LOT of people couldn’t do! I was very pleased with myself, and since I had done so well, I stepped off “the wagon” and thought I’d be just fine.

I’d only be away for “just a little while,” I thought. I wandered away, smelling the flowers and admiring the scenery - I’ll be just fine, I thought. Wandered a bit further away. I’d glance back every now and then – the wagon was still there, waiting for me. Went further in to the woods. “Oh, the wagon is still back there, I’ll be fine.” I thought. Got further along in to the woods – “I’m still fine,” I thought. I’d get on the scale, and I’d have gained. “But I’ll be okay, I’ll be able to take it right off,” I thought. So I’d give it a try, and make some progress, and then walk away from it again. "I’ll be fine!" I thought.

Well, just around the turn of the new year, I finally came to my senses and realized how far afield I’d strayed. I had gained back everything I’d lost the last time I was faithful to this Blog. And then some. A lot. In a panic, I’ve sprinted (okay, “lumbered”) back to where “the wagon” waited for me only to find that it was now a rusty, moldering, termite-ridden, worthless heap of trash with missing wheels. And it hit me. I wasn't "fine" any more.

I never wanted to be back here again. At the beginning of the year, I was at my heaviest EVER!!! I NEVER expected to see that number on the scale, and it shocked me. And disgusted me.

I wanted to run and hide in my shame. I stopped wanting to dance in public. The only reason I was still performing is because I didn’t want to answer the questions people would ask if I were to back out. I’m part of a troupe (of wonderfully supportive and accepting ladies) and I was ashamed to be dancing with them. I didn’t see how people could want to watch me dance because of my size, let alone cheer and applaud at my performance and even give me tips! Yes, I still get lost in the music and let it work through me, and while I was dancing, I was (and still am) happy, but before and after I dance, I was (and still am) ashamed of my body. I'm entered in a competition coming up in a month, and again, if it weren’t for the questions it would raise if I were to pull out, I wouldn’t go.

I have been told by some that I am an inspiration for dancing without letting my size inhibit me. (Which just tells me that my Major in Theater is actually proving useful...) But I am still ashamed of it. And myself.

I will be turning 40 in November, and there’s NO WAY I’m going to be at this same size by then. I don’t want to be disgusted with myself any more. I don’t want to be out of breath when I finish dancing any more. I want to be able to look at pictures of myself taken when I’m 40 with a smile rather than a sneer. I want to shed as much of this “fluff” as possible by then, and then KEEP it off!!!

I didn’t want to start this Blog again, for the shame of having to admit my failure to my blogville friends who haven’t heard from me in a long time. But I was talking with an IRL friend who has also been following this blog, and she has been encouraging me to pick it back up again. So here I am.

Now, don't worry! Really, I am feeling better about myself right now than it sounds, from what I've written so far. I’ve finally started eating healthier and losing again (9.5 lbs gone since Jan 16th!!) and I have a Plan to keep going.

I’ve signed up for the same May bike ride I did last year, and I’ll start training for it this weekend. I am planning on riding the whole 100 miles this year. Which, if I train for it as successfully as I did last year, will be a (relative) breeze. I’m also considering signing up for a 2-day, 200-mile ride in July. So I’ll definitely be getting my exercise in… And then I’ll need to find another way to be sure to keep the exercise going.

I still have the above-mentioned feelings towards myself, but they’re easing off a (little) bit. Even though I am finally on the right track again, they’re still lurking. And I’ve got to stay vigilant in order to keep them from overwhelming me again. I can do it. I do have some hope, and I just keep reminding myself that it’s going to get harder. It just is. That way I don’t fool myself in to thinking that “I’ll be fine” again and start slacking off.